It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Speak no evil (trailer here), a horror/suspense film about a family visiting another couple they met on vacation.
And shockingthings don’t go as expected.
If you have the Episode ‘Dinner Party’ by The office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the most awkward house party ever, and thought to yourself…
“What if this was a two-hour horror movie instead?”
…that’s essentially the plot of Speak no evil.
This film is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so of course I had to watch it too. And boy, that version was even more somber and shocking.
This film contains some really sharp commentary on relationships, masculinity and even parenthood…
But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I always joke about it how much of a conflict-avoiding people pleaser That’s me, which means this movie shocked me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and overcommitment
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “just like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to the Episcopal Church as children.
And despite this I managed to come all the Catholic guilt!
I will do everything I can to keep the peace. I will do what I can not to offend. I will overcommit, I will put myself in really frustrating situations simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short: I would NOT have done it right Speak no evil.
I always thought I was just being nice, but I came to realize it was something else.
I was disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I have learned to set and maintain healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I suspect that there are quite a few people reading this newsletter who also want to please people, are struggling with burnout and are currently feeling overloaded.
If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.
The solution to burnout is not a yoga retreat
When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
- Performance: We just have to work more difficult at the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the cause.
As indicated in that of Anne-Helen Peterson Can’t even:
“You cannot solve a burnout by going on holiday. You can’t solve it with ‘life hacks’, such as inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or by preparing Sunday dinner for the whole family, or by starting a bullet journal. You won’t solve it by reading a book on how to “get rid of yourself.”
You can’t solve it with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or ‘anxiety baking,’ or the Pomodoro technique, or overnight damn oats.”
As I share in my essay on the problems with self-carethe solution will not be found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor in a diary or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We people-pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting the needs of others, rarely taking our own into account.
This is usually how we find ourselves overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and possibly feeling resentful because our generosity is being taken for granted.
The problem?
It is not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.
It is up to us to identify, explain and protect them.
This is where boundaries come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually think us needs too. Something I never thought about for a long time. I bet there are a lot of great moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t thought about their own needs at some point. long time.
This doesn’t mean that we need to suddenly become, “I’M THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS,” but rather that we need to recognize that our feelings and needs are valid, and to take care of ourselves when we don’t. We will also take care of others.
Like Dr. Lakshmin notes in Real self-care:
“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the clear and informed choice to prioritize one aspect of your life above the other.”
This is your challenge for today:
Say NO to something you are currently saying YES to, out of obligation or guilt.
Set this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, this requires you to rely on the people around you, and maybe even *GASP* possibly disappoint someone!
Especially if they’re used to you always saying yes to everything.
I promise you that their reaction is not your responsibility.
One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t time travel, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plates.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what limit you set, so click ‘reply’ and let me know!
-Steve
###
The mail Boundaries: the cure for burnout? first appeared on Nerd fitness.