Two words I hear all the time: motivation And responsibility.
From customers, readers and people who want to become healthier, but can’t seem to keep it up.
Although they sound simple, both are actually…complicated.
When someone says, “I just need more responsibility,” that can vary greatly.
- Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
- Sometimes it’s about clarity about their goals and how to achieve them.
- And sometimes it’s about how we personally respond to expectations – both from ourselves and from others.
Why no “system” is right for everyone
If you’ve ever read books like Atomic habits by James Clear, The power of habit by Charles Duhigg, or Switch by Chip and Dan Heath you know that many frameworks exist for understanding behavior.
After 15 years of coaching, I have learned the following:
None of these systems are foolproof. None of them fully capture how complex people really are.
But that’s not the point. Everyone is one lens. A new point of view that helps us see our habits and struggles differently.
And when you get stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a fresh perspective that gives you a new way of approaching things.
Enter the four tendencies
Several years ago, our entire coaching team read The four tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, and it provided some really important insights that we incorporated into our coaching program and the way we’ve thought about helping people ever since.
The basic concept is this: people respond differently to internal and external expectations. Understanding which expectations you thrive with, and which ones are a struggle, can help you work of your natural tendencies instead of fighting them.
The most common trend we see is The Obliger.
Obligers are the glue of a team or family. They meet outer expectations (deadlines, obligations, helping others), but resist inside (self-care, personal goals, boundaries).
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever said:
‘I know what I should do… but I can’t seem to do it me,”
…you might be in this group.
One of our customers described it perfectly:
“Every bit of energy seems to be consumed by surviving my workday, meeting the needs of my family, helping with the needs of others… there is a lack of self-care and self-prioritization in my life right now.
I know I’m bringing the situation on myself. I am determined to commit to things, to be involved, to want to be needed, appreciated and recognized. But it has a price. The demands of other people or things leave little room for me.”
That’s the Obliger experience in a nutshell.
And let me be clear: this is not about weakness or lack of willpower.
In fact, Obligers get SO MUCH done.
The problem is that they often sacrifice their own goals to help others, which can lead to health problems in the long run.
How we help Obligers succeed
At Nerd Fitness Coaching we help Obligers by providing three key supports: external responsibility, dialing mode adjustments, And victories follow as they pile up to reinforce and reward their progress.
This is how you can translate this into your own practice:
- A coach or training buddy who checks in with you and celebrates victories with you
- A checklist or tracking system making your progress visible
- Expanding one Dial mode – that is, a plan for different types of days so you can adapt accordingly and avoid burnout
- Reframing goals as something that will benefit others – i.e., “I’m exercising so I have more energy for my kids.”
As you’ll notice, there are some approx externalizing your responsibility.
Here’s another fun tactic: write a letter from your future self to your current self, thanking you for coming. This is exactly what clicked with my client Gina. When things got hectic, writing that letter made her feel accountable future self (in a good way!). That simple change helped her stay consistent during a chaotic month.
The hidden danger: burnout and the “pause button”
Creditors often take on too much.
They’re juggling a million competing expectations: deadlines, family, coworkers, community.
And when it all gets too heavy, they tend to hit the red numbers break button on SOME of them.
“I can’t process all this right now. I’ll come back to it later.”
Completely understandable. And in fact, it is an act of self-preservation. They CANNOT keep driving at 100 miles per hour.
We often see that people in this scenario try to leave out all these outside expectations, hoping that later they will finally have time to focus on themselves.
It sounds logical, but it usually backfires.
Because Obligers actually thrive of a form of external responsibility.
So the key is not to eliminate expectations. It’s over chaplain them.
Here are a few counterintuitive questions I like to ask to do just that:
What are the benefits of NOT moving towards goal X now?
And what are the consequences if we continue to evolve towards that?
By flipping the old “pro/con” list, we can gain a lot of clarity about what feels right for you!
Great takeaway
Motivation and responsibility are not one-size-fits-all.
Understanding your “tendency” gives you a new lens – and using tools specific to your needs will increase your chances of long-term success.
If you want to see where you end up, take Gretchen’s free quiz here -> https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/
Let me know what inclination you get! (I’m a questioner! 🙋♂️)
-Mat
PS Fun fact: ~60% of the people we work with at Nerd Fitness Coaching identify us as Obligers. Everyone’s needs are different, that’s why we design coaching around them Youno generic motivation hacks. If that sounds like the kind of structure you’ve been missing, I’d love to talk to you. Click ‘Reply this email’. ❤️